Letters to the Lost Girl
by whoson1st
Summary: Letters that the 10th Doctor writes to Rose, knowing she'll never see them, but needing to talk to her any way he can. Now complete.
1. After the Bride

Rose,

You'll never see this. I know you won't. You're gone, and I lost my chance.

I burned up a sun, just to tell you…and I still couldn't.

I'm so sorry, my beautiful Rose.

I saved the earth today, Rose. I saved it from a giant spider, with the help of the only person in the universe who can talk more than I can. Yep, such a person exists, can you believe it?

Afterwards…I asked her to come with me. I don't know why. I didn't really want her here in the first place, she just appeared, did I mention that? I said good

I left

You disappeared

Anyway.

She just showed up, this woman in white, IN THE TARDIS, and then we had to go off and save the world because her soon to be husband was head of human resources in a very literal sense, and…well, that happened.

I know why. Because she stopped me. I would have just kept going, watching everything burn and drown until I was lost in it, until all the rage and grief and loss pulled me under with the Empress and her many children.

But she stopped me.

So I asked her to come. Because I can't…without you, I don't know when to stop, because it's so easy to forget the reasons why I should.

She said no. She said she couldn't live her life like that. That it was terrible. That, while it was flooding and burning, I stood there like…a stranger. That I scare her to death. And then she invited me to Christmas dinner! Not that I do that sort of thing, not that I could, except…except when I did. But that was different.

She wanted me to promise her that I'd find someone. But I told her I don't need anyone. I can't. Because when I need someone, that someone's life is inevitably destroyed. Your life was destroyed. Because of me.

The last thing she said, she asked me what my friend's name was…the one I lost. The one that was very much alive, but so very, very lost.

The last word I spoke to her was your name.

Rose.


	2. After the Hospital

Rose,

I did a magnificently stupid thing. Well, a few magnificently stupid things, involving the moon and Judoon and a deceptively sweet looking plasmavore and an overclocked MRI machine and an intern that…may have gotten some wrong impressions. That last one…that's really, monumentally, magnificently, catastrophically…no. I've had catastrophe. But still, magnificently stupid.

But the really stupid thing, the one that made me think of you again, speak to you in the only way I can, this letter to nowhere…

I visited your gravestone.

Thing is, I was in London for an entirely different reason. The TARDIS detected this plasma field around a hospital, and I needed to investigate (which, I know, would probably have you rolling your eyes, and saying something about how everything goes so well when we go to hospitals. That's why I don't like them. At least this one had a little shop. I love a little shop). I checked in as a patient, and nearly had a problem when this intern realized that I had two hearts…but she didn't say anything. That one, I set myself up for.

And then we were on the moon, and the Judoon (did you meet them? They're the ones with the Rhino heads. I'll have to show you next

The Judoon were looking for this plasmavore, and scanning everyone to find that non-human, and, well, you know that's never going to turn out well for me, so I was trying to investigate and keep away from them, and Martha, that magnificent intern, she kept her head and she was helping me look until I needed a distraction so I kissed her so when the Judoon scanned her they'd find traces and have to do a secondary scan and it would take up time for me to find the plasmavore so she'd drink my blood and scan as non-human and they'd leave before she managed to killed everyone on the moon's side of the earth…

I know. The kiss was…a mistake. But what was I supposed to do?

And I know, you'd hate me for the plasmavore plan. That was also…a mistake. But it worked. What was I supposed to do?

What was I supposed to do, Rose?

Anyway, end of the day, all sorted, everyone home, more or less safe and sound, everything wrapped up. Martha stayed, and I went to the TARDIS.

And then…then the adventure was over. And I was back to an empty TARDIS, with that pain in my chest, and the struggling to breathe, even though I really shouldn't have to struggle to breathe because of superior Time Lord biology and respiratory bypass and the self-stabilizing conditions in the TARDIS that ensure the exact correct amount of molecules for perfect breathing air that

I can't breathe without you. You took my breathe away so many times when you were here, and now that you're gone…you took it all with you.

So I went to find…something. Anything. And then I was there, staring at the culmination of every magnificently stupid thing since I met you.

Rose Tyler  
Beloved daughter and friend  
1986-2006

20 years. That's all. And it's my fault.

I know you're not dead. That you're still there, with your family, defending the earth, smiling your smiles that are only yours and so very, very human.

But not here. Not with me.

Even now, back in the TARDIS, I don't know which is worse. Probably if you were…most definitely if you…you MUST be alive. Somewhere. Because if I didn't have at least that, the knowledge that you were still somewhere, even if you couldn't be with me, then I would have absolutely nothing.

Granted, then I wouldn't have to struggle to breathe anymore.

I think I'm going to catch up with Martha. See if she wants to come with me. No. See if she would like a trip. She really was a monumental help. She deserves something wonderful, because she is wonderful.

But just one trip.

Because no one will ever, ever be as brilliant and wonderful as you, my Rose.


	3. After the Globe

Rose,

I met Shakespeare! And I am, apparently, the sworn enemy of Queen Elizabeth I! I can't wait to find out how that happened…

And Martha, she's fantastic. Who would have thought to bring good old J.K. into a lost play to send Carrionites home? Not me, and I think of practically everything. She really is just brilliant. I'm going to take her on another one, you know, one forward, one back, balance it up.

Maybe New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New, New York. You liked that one. Well, most of that one. Well, parts of it. Well…there was apple grass.

We went cloud watching in the apple grass. That was…brilliant.

It doesn't hurt so bad, with Martha here. Mostly because I am so completely full of myself, if she saw me struggling to breathe, well, that would completely ruin my image.

Now it doesn't happen until she's asleep.

The Carrionites, they tried to use you against me. They're the ones that are like the witch stories of old, with their words of power. They named Martha, and she passed out…luckily, being out of her own time…could have been much worse. They couldn't find mine, because…well…even they can't find some things. But they found you. My Rose. Which was the biggest mistake they could have made.

It's like what happened with the Wire. When people started losing their faces, that was bad. Really, really, very not good. Needed to be remedied post haste.

And then it took your face.

Once it's you, there's no power on this Earth that can stop me.

That's the name that gives me strength, that keeps me fighting.

Until the adventure is over. And Martha is asleep. And then it's just me, writing letters to a pink and yellow girl who will never see them, never know how much I

How much I

How much of a coward I really am, once it's all over. Or maybe you did. And you loved me anyway.

My beautiful Rose.


	4. After the Motorway

Rose,

I really am…poison. Or a sort of reverse Midas. Everything beautiful and golden and brilliant that I touch…falls apart.

I took Martha to New, New York, like I said I would…and I nearly lost her. And I lost the Face of Bo. THAT is an enigmatic floating head, let me tell you.

I took her there so that I could balance the books, and it's a good place and…

And I wanted to feel you. Go where we'd been, so I could pretend that you were there, somewhere.

And I nearly lost her. I barely know her, and I lied to her, and I nearly LOST her because of that.

I found her. She's safe. She's going home.

But I told her. I told her before about how beautiful Gallifrey is, letting her believe that it was still there, because it felt good to pretend that something, anything, ONE BLOODY THING, wasn't lost forever. But it is. And I told her. Because I owed her that.

And now I owe it to her to take her home, before I do lose her. Before she's stranded, or changed, or broken.

Do you remember meeting the Face of Bo before? That legend about the Face of Boe speaking his final secret to a traveler? It's bollocks. Because of all the lies I've told, the helpful, the harmful, the benign and terrible…this one tops them all.

He said "You are not alone."

Of all the possible secrets that a giant telepathic floating head could ever keep, that is not one I'd expect, because it can't possibly be true.

Last of the Time Lords, destroyer of everything I touch. That's me.

I am very, very alone. Martha is…distracting. And going home. And Jack…

And you. You're never, ever coming back.

The Valiant Child.

Now I know that wasn't the devil that said that. Because if we'd killed the devil, then I wouldn't be in hell.

Hell is being without you, Rose.


	5. After the Evolution

Rose,

If I'm not poison, then I am definitely cursed.

They survived.

I lost…everything. AGAIN.

Every time, I LOSE EVERYTHING, AND THEY STILL SURVIVE.

They will NEVER be gone.

They took my planet.

They took my people.

They took the woman I

They took you.

And they're STILL HERE. Or were. And will be again. Because THEY are my curse.

Humanity, that's the thing. That double edged sword. I lo…I care about people, because they are people, and are brilliant, and magnificent, and fantastic, because they are people. Oh, there's always the not so nice ones, the hurtful and malevolent creatures, earthly or otherwise. But that's just it. That's why humanity is such a wonderful thing. You all have the option to be horrible, and the people that choose to be something else, they're the impressive ones. In the middle of all the wrong, and the depressing, and the painful, you chose to be the beautiful, wonderful, FANTASTIC girl that I couldn't NOT fall

Humanity. They had a chance. Even after everything. They had a chance to be more, to be better. One of them, he became human, a human Dalek.

And now he's dead. Because to be a human is to fly in the face of everything that is Dalek. Because to them, there is no choice. There is simply endless destruction of every good thing in the universe because it is good and isn't Dalek.

The only reason those hateful little pepper pots haven't destroyed me is because I'm still smarter, and quicker, and a hell of a lot more creative. Oh yes.

They made a new race, and destroyed it, because it made the wrong choice. Complete genocide.

And he's still out there. Dalek Caan. Because I had already faced one genocide. I couldn't cause another.

They took everything, EVERYTHING, from me. And I still wanted to show compassion. To give him a choice. Because THAT was my choice.

We'll meet again one day, I'm sure. And I'll give him a choice. And he'd better choose right. Because I'm done with mercy. I'm done with second chances.

Because he took away yours. And he took away your choice to stay with me.

And I need you with me. I'll never stop needing you, no matter what happens.

My lost Rose.


	6. After the Experiment

Rose,

What is it with you humans? Always bent on prolonging the inevitable, regardless of consequences.

It doesn't matter the motive, whether it's fear, or vanity, or pride, or pedantic…it's never a good enough reason to try to thwart the thing that makes you human: your expiration date. It's stamped on you at creation, and the minute you're born it's just a matter of time. But you all still try to fight it.

I don't understand it. Because it's not worth it. If you manage to outlive everything, then all your left with is yourself and your loss. Trust me…

This bloke, Lazarus, he said he was going to change what it meant to be human. And he did. In a very major way. Reversed his time…only to become a monster. And to end up broken, and still alone.

I couldn't save him. Not from himself.

Martha, though…god, she's nearly as jeopardy friendly as you are! Just as bad about wandering off, too.

She's…staying. She was never really just a passenger…she was too good for that. I knew it. But I just…couldn't offer her anything. I still can't. I just agreed when she said it wasn't fair. Because it wasn't. Probably still isn't. Because I can never be with her who I was with you. That's just…wrong.

And, whether she sees it now or not, still temporary. It's all temporary. Only I get to stay on, with my mementos and memories…

You said you wanted to stay with me forever. You had to know you couldn't. And I…I just ignored the impossibility of it. Because I wanted it. Of all the reasons to last forever, the selfish need to have you here is…well, maybe not the worst. But definitely not the best.

If I could have stabilized it, made it something worthwhile, and then let you…no. Even I'm not that selfish. I would never risk everything you are for a glimmer of possibility.

If there had been a way, though. Some chance, some avenue you could explore to stay with me forever, would you have?

If there was some infinitesimally small hope that I could get you back, have you here with me, without causing the destruction of everything…no. I have to be more responsible than that. Because I'm always responsible for everyone, regardless of whatever stupid choices they make to try to change what it means to be human.

But…you're human. And you are STUBBORN. If there was a way, some circumstance that gave some ridiculously small odds of coming back to me…

Would you do that? Would you…will you try to come back to me? Because if anyone deserves forever, it's you.

My eternal Rose.


	7. After the Burning

Rose,

I'm glad you missed this one. I hate that you're not here, but I'm glad you weren't there.

If you had burned, I may have thrown myself into that crying sun. It was crying out because they'd taken its heart. That sun and I…we have something in common.

There was death. There's always death.

I nearly lost myself. I nearly killed Martha. How many times do people have to NEARLY everything before I learn to leave them the hell alone?

But it's getting easier. Scratch that. It's getting routine. Which is not the same thing.

Not the same thing at all.

There have actually been whole minutes of non-adventure time that I haven't thought about you. And then I see some wayward item, a shoe left here, a book open to a certain page there, and that vice on my chest is back. And it's even worse, because I shouldn't be allowed to have time where you're not a regret, because it's my fault that you're not where you're supposed to be, here in my arms.

But sometimes I get some peace, whether I deserve it or not.

And then there's the times…I don't need a burning sun possessing me to feel like I'm burning from the inside out, like regeneration with no relief. The rage boils inside me, and it's everything I can do to hold myself in one piece, to keep my hearts beating, to breathe, to keep from screaming at the sheer injustice of the universe.

It's not…new. It was like that, before, after the war, before I met you.

But then you, Rose Tyler, shop girl from London, Earth…you fixed me. You took all the rage, all the pain, all the condescending ways I had to defend myself…and you turned those things into strength. You gave me strength. The strength to heal, the strength to l-

No. I could never be that strong. 900 odd years of existence, and you, Rose…you had the strength to say what I never could. And now…now I've lost my strength.

I've lost my Rose.


	8. After the Family

Rose,

What do I have to do to rid myself of you?

You're gone. You're never coming back.

I can never, EVER change that. Universes would collapse.

I run, and I am very GOOD at running, I run all the time so I won't think of you, of where you are, of what I've done, of what I didn't say, and YOU'RE STILL HERE.

I became human to run from something else. HUMAN, Rose. And I STILL couldn't run from you.

The thought of you, the memory of you, it haunts me, plagues me. I lose the memory of everything, 900 plus years of existence—understandable that something would bleed into dreams. But you? Why, of all of everything, the different incarnations, the wondrous places, the amazing adventures, why did I still have to dream of you so often?

You are the worst thing that could have happened to me. In all of my existence, you are the one thing that should never have happened.

Because it doesn't matter if I live another hour or another 5 billion years, YOU WILL ALWAYS BE HERE.

You will always be the one I see when I close my eyes. The one I ache to hold. The one who my hearts beat for.

I fell in love. Human me. He did. And he…he could admit it. He could be the man that she needed him to be, and he would have, were it not for the blasted earth being in constant threat, were it not for the fact that it wouldn't be under threat if I had been anywhere, ANYWHERE else in the universe. She wouldn't have lost him. I wouldn't have had to kill him, to take him away from her, from the future they could have had.

I saw it, I saw it all. And I wanted it. Oh, god, I wanted it. The long way. The thing I could never give you. He could have been to her what I always wanted to be for you.

But you're gone, and so is he. I broke her heart to save the world. I broke yours to…I don't know.

And now Martha. She…she has feelings. Pretty positive of it now. And I can't. I just can't.

I couldn't even stop dreaming of you when I was sure you were a figment of my imagination. Even as a part of me found someone else, there was still you, whispering in my subconscious. And now that I'm me again…she can't hold a candle to you.

Why did it have to be you? If someone else had been working that night, if it hadn't caught your scent, if you hadn't been so damn willing to chase after me…if I hadn't broken all my rules and asked twice…

You're the worst thing that could have happened to me. Because being broken is hard enough. To be stitched up only to have the stitches ripped out violently…that's worse.

You're the worst thing that could have happened to me, because I'm bleeding and broken and lost and nothing I do, no distance I could run, no planet I could save, would change the fact that you are a part of me, a part that I will never be able to get back.

But I wouldn't change it. Not a second. If I could go back to that first night, I would still grab your hand, I would still say "Run." And would still have kept running with you. As long as I could, until I lost you. I would do it all again, just to spend another minute with you.

I would bleed forever if I could have you here again, even if just for a moment.

Because you were the best thing that ever happened to me.

My brilliant Rose.


	9. After the Angels

**_Just wanted to put in, thank you so much for the lovely reviews you've given for these letters. I'm so glad that people are enjoying reading them as much as I'm enjoying writing them._**

**_oOo_**

Rose,

I am so BORED. I don't do well with staying in one place. Not well at all.

We're stuck in 1969. My ship, my wonderful ship…it's not here. Still in 2006, with those stoney demons. It's there with this brilliant girl, Sally Sparrow, and it's just a matter of time until she's able to get it back to me, given the information she gave me after this will have happened.

Non-linear timelines! Oh yes!

But for now, I am completely stuck. I'm here, somewhere, so even if something good happens, I can't go there because I'm already there, and I don't think I'd be too happy with myself if I risked the reapers coming and destroying everything just because I went a bit stir crazy.

Martha's working in a shop. Someone has to support us. I don't think she's happy about it. After everything I've put her through, every danger she's faced because she's been with me…I'm pretty sure that being made to work in a shop is the one thing she'll never forgive me for.

You would have. Oh, you'd tease me endlessly about it. But you'd laugh. And you'd forgive me.

You and me, stuck together in 1969, London, with a few weeks to kill, oh we'd have…well, we would have…

Hmm.

I wonder...if we hadn't had the distractions…if I hadn't been able to run. I wonder if then…

No. Best not to wonder. Because that way, madness lays…

I'm writing letters to a girl in another universe, and I'm worried about madness COMING.

But I wish it was you. I wish you were here. Even if it meant that I'd be forced to tell you what you must have already known. When you told me…when you said…what you did…on that beach. You must have known what I wanted to say. What I would have given one of my hearts to be able to tell you.

I would gladly be stuck anywhere with you, Rose.


	10. After the Master

Rose,

I am in…so much trouble. So much. And I don't know exactly how we're going to get out of this one.

All started with Jack. Bloody Jack. He survived, you know. The GameStation. You brought him back. And now he's back for good…fixed thing. Completely wrong. It was done out of love, I know….but still…wrong. He managed to hang onto the TARDIS all the way through the vortex, all the way to the end of the universe, and that…that's where it all fell apart.

Damn that giant face.

He was right. Sort of. Because HE was there. Not the Face of Boe. The Master. Completely psychotic Time Lord. He managed to escape the war, became human so no one could find him. He was a good human too, if a little off. But now…now it's a problem. Now he's Prime Minister, and he's got big plans. Plans with an alien race that doesn't even exist. End of the world plans. And I still don't know how.

But I know why. Because of me. No matter how it starts, no matter what the circumstances, it always comes down to me.

He would destroy this planet because I love it. Everything about it is magnificent, and he wants to destroy it, because of me.

And I made it easy for him. So easy. Because I had to be able to find him. So I had to fuse the coordinates when he stole the TARDIS, so he had to come here.

Because of me. I've been the cause of so much pain. And it's about to get so, so much worse.

If there is one thing, just one thing that doesn't look completely bleak right now…it's that you're nowhere near the blast zone. You didn't get trapped, Rose. You were saved. Fate took you from me…before I could cause you any more pain. Even heartbreak isn't the worst kind of pain.

I think.

If you had stayed…just to be used now by a sociopath with a hate on…THAT I could never forgive myself for. This time, you being in another universe is the only grasping goodness I have. Because whatever else happens, you're protected.

I have absolutely no idea what's coming, or what I'm going to have to do or sacrifice to stop him.

But you're safe, my Rose.


	11. After the Valient

Rose,

I don't know how many more times I can do this. How many more times I can feel absolute, total loss, and stare into a future of being completely alone.

The Master is…gone. Dead. The wife…she…he's gone.

Mind you, he spent a year making life an absolute living hell, destroying the earth, declaring himself a god among men and twisting up the timelines of humans into oblivion in the year that never happened due to a now broken paradox machine.

But still…for a moment, I wasn't the only one left. There was another Time Lord. Not the one I would have picked to survive, no doubt, but…that's the way my life goes, isn't it? Find the worst possible thing that could have possibly made it from home, and save that for the Doctor. Still, better than nothing at all, I suppose. Definitely better than nothing at all.

Because nothing at all…is a very deep pit…

He refused to regenerate. REFUSED. I begged a person that has hated me with his entire being for centuries to regenerate, to stay with me, so that I'd have something left, a small smidgen of matter to keep me tethered to sanity. And he knew it. So he inflicted the absolute last pain he could…and died.

So, back again, last of the Time Lords. Angsty prat writing to a girl he'll never see again, because…because you're the only one that I could possibly talk to…the only one who could hear my confessions and still look at me with love.

Jack's going back to Torchwood. Of all the places he could have inserted himself…but he tells me it's different. Still too much firepower for my taste. But at least there's someone here when I'm…running.

Also…small chance that he is in fact the Face of Boe. Small chance. Although, I'd have thought that Jack, even as a telepathic head, would have tried to flirt more. Ah, well. Better off not knowing some things.

I have a feeling Martha is leaving too. She's…been through a lot. Walked the whole earth to save me, so I could save us all. She's brilliant…really…just…brilliant. But she knows, I think, that I can never give her what she wants…can never look at her the way I looked at you…

Better that way, though. She's still got exams to pass…she still wants to be a doctor. And her family…they need her. More than I do…more even than she wishes I did. She'll find a way.

So. Alone again. Staring into a future of running away, because I can't stand still long enough to watch the dust settle, to reveal the carnage around me. Can't stand still long enough to let the losses catch up with me. Because if I did…I might drown.

But alone and lonely are two different things. And if I've learned one thing from the year that never happened, and the year with Martha that most certainly did, it's this:

No matter who is with me, who I find…I'll always be lonely without you, Rose.


	12. After the Titanic

Rose,

Shields.

Shields are a very important thing. I cannot stress this enough.

Because you know that rebuilding the TARDIS is sort of my default setting when there's nothing else going on, nothing to run around for or whatever, and shields, Rose, are incredibly important. They must be down to rebuild, but they must, absolutely must be up again while in the vortex, because if they're not, any number of things can happen.

Like…for instance…hypothetically…the TARDIS merging with itself in a temporal collision that could cause an explosion in the space time continuum exactly the size of Belgium and create a black hole with enough force to suck in the entire universe…for example.

On the other hand, not every day you get to see the back of your own head.

Of course, all sorted…fancy flying to create a supernova and black hole at the same time to cancel out the force, hello happy universe. Put up my shields, piloted away to Barcelona, where the dogs have no noses…

Never did get there, did we?

No, the shields didn't go up…and I managed to collide again…with the Titanic. Not the same one, obviously…space cruise ship.

Unlucky name. And I'm burning my tuxedo.

Megalomaniac profiteers, dying captains and murdering angels do not make a good combination, Rose.

I met a girl. Astrid. She wanted to see the universe, and ended up waiting tables on the worst possible space cruise.

She's with the stars now.

She sacrificed herself for a handful of people on a plummeting ship, and a few billion people on an unsuspecting planet.

I couldn't stop her. And I couldn't save her.

Seems to be a pattern.

But there's a very rich man on earth who wouldn't be alive if it weren't for her.

And oh! The brilliant shipmate that helped me keep the whole thing from killing everyone, his name is Alonzo. I was finally able to say it! Allons-y, Alonzo!

But that was after they were gone. All the people who died when the meteors struck. The people who were murdered by the angelic host. The couple who won the trip, the brave little cyborg with a hatred for nicknames, and the girl who's dancing with the stars.

Roderick made it, though. That figures.

Pretty sure you would have wanted to deck him. Pretty sure I would have let you.

Shields, though. That's the thing. If you let your shields down, any number of terrible things are likely to happen. Keep your shields up, keep yourself safe, keep yourself protected. That's how they work, that's what they're for. And I've got some pretty strong shields.

Sometimes, though…sometimes, you let your shields down, and you end up exactly where you need to be, being exactly who you need to be. Sometimes, you lower your shields and the thing that gets in is exactly what you never knew you needed.

For all the pain, for all the tragedy, I will never regret the day you got past my shields, Rose.


	13. After the Adipose

Rose,

I do not do well on my own. Never really have. I mean, what's the point in being very clever if there's no one to hear the very clever explanation of what you've cleverly worked out? None, that's what. Found myself talking to an empty TARDIS, and while she's very much alive, not the greatest conversationalist in the strictest of senses.

So, as usual when I have time to kill—the irony is not lost on me—I made daft plans to torture myself. I went by the Powell Estate. Someone new has moved in. There's no one waiting for me there anymore. But for a second, just a second, I looked up at your old window and I could pretend that you were there sorting your washing and gabbing to Jackie about things she didn't even try to understand while she made her amazing tea. For a second, I could pretend you weren't lost.

And this is why I do not do well on my own. I need someone around to keep me…well, not focused, because I think we can both admit, focus is never going to be my strong suit. But at least distracted so I don't seek out ways to torment myself further.

Do you remember that Donna woman? No, of course you don't, because all these letters are still in a drawer because postmen don't deliver across universes, do they?

Anyway.

Donna.

She's the bride that was with me Christmas before last, that first one after you…

At any rate, caught up with her again. Seems she decided travelling the globe is not what she was expecting, so she tried her hand at investigating strange occurrences, apparently in an effort to find me. The man who scared her to death. Some people.

Her and I, we were running sort of concurrent investigations into Adipose Industries. Blimey, that was a mess. Diet pill of an alien variety. Slogan was "the fat just walks away." They weren't kidding. People's fat, congealing into sentient little Adipose, jumping out of them and bolting. Cute little things, you'd have liked them. Not their fault how they're made. We waved at them.

Nanny from hell was here, calling herself Miss Foster, selling this stuff to make her wards…gone now. I tried to save her. But she's gone.

Odd though, seeding on a planet like Earth is illegal. Foster said their breeding planet was lost. How do you LOSE a whole planet? Hmm.

Donna's here now. She remembered my invitation from before, and was packed and ready this time. I nearly took it back. I couldn't have another Martha…and there could never be another you.

Blimey.

Mind you, she told me in no uncertain terms that I am not to mate with her. So there's that.

Might be okay.

If she ever stops shouting at me, or slows down her questions enough for me to actually answer them.

If she ever stops asking me about you.

Because if anything is still sacred with that woman around…it's you, Rose.


	14. After the Volcano

Rose,

Even now, even after all this time to wrap my mind around the impossible, I still can't seem to accept the fact that you're gone. There isn't a day that goes by when I don't expect to see you running through the TARDIS doors, or burning something in the kitchen, or laughing at me while jump around and tinker. And when that certain mood strikes me, when I feel like I'm being crushed by the weight of my past or my decisions, I keep expecting to turn the corner and find you waiting for me with a fresh cup of tea and more understanding in your eyes than I ever had a right to. You always seemed to know exactly when I needed you; when I desperately craved your gentle touches and soft "C'mon, then" to allow me to talk, to admit my own pain and my mistakes. After it was over, when the wave of anguish subsided, I would feel free and calm in a way I only could with you, because no matter what I said, no matter what injustice I admitted feeling responsible for, you would still look at me with faultless devotion, still grab my hand and chase after me on the next adventure.

Now, I have nothing to soothe the pain, to help carry the weight of my choices, to balance me out. Not the way you could. I'm left with this pale facsimile, these letters to nowhere, to try to unburden myself to the only one that I…the only one that could still look at me like I was someone who deserved you…in such a way that…I could almost believe it too.

After the fire, and ash, and smoke, the molten rock that buried the dead and the living alike…I really wish I could see that look, no matter how unworthy I am.

Pompeii or the world. Those were my choices.

I had to sentence twenty thousand people to death. I had to sacrifice them. Because if they didn't die, the whole world would burn.

Fixed point in time…because I made it happen.

But Donna…oh, Donna. She's brave, that one. You'd like her. She stood up to me in a way no one has since…

She argued, and she fought and she cried…and then she asked me to save just one family. Just one. Because I couldn't save Pompeii…but I could save them.

I don't know, Rose. I can't…I'm lost, Rose. I can't seem to find that joy of exploration that I had before. Oh, I was always running from something, but there was an exhilaration in it, still a sense of wonder and excitement. Now…it's just pain and death and chaos, no matter where I go. I'm losing all the hope I used to have about a new experience.

Donna was right. Sometimes, I need someone.

If it can't be you-and it can't, it can never be again, no matter how much of me doesn't want to accept it-then at least there's her.

It's all just such a waste…making the effort to save one person while allowing so many others to burn.

Or allowing thousands to burn for the sake of billions.

Or giving up the one person that made me feel whole for the sake of two universes that will never know what it cost us.

Rose or the universes. It's still so damn hard not to pick you, Rose.


	15. After the Ood

Rose,

The Ood are born with their brains in their hands. Everything that makes them…them…held there, to be corrupted by anyone with a pair of scissors. Apart from that, a whole other brain that connects them all to each other, completely disconnected from any one individual, but necessary to the health and happiness of all, to let them sing.

That's what makes them so vulnerable to every type of attack. That's what nearly made them kill us all when you were with me, that's what turned them into rabid beasts here, frothing at the mouth, driven insane by people who cut them off from everything that made them whole.

I could hear their song, feel their heartbreak in the depths of me. I could understand it in a way that I'd never dreamt I would. What I lost in the war is…incomprehensible. The Time Lords and the shared psychic link are gone, irretrievable. But now…I've lost all perception of what I should and should not allow, what I should or should not risk, lost it the minute you lost your grip, and the breach closed off, separating me from the thing that made me whole again.

Ood Sigma said my song is ending.

I can't pretend that I don't understand. I don't have much time left. I don't know how much…could be one adventure, could be half a dozen, but I know that it's finite now.

I'm terrified. Not as much for what's coming, though I know it can't be good, and I'm not looking forward to regeneration, because it always hurts. But I'm terrified because knowing that I'm on the last lap in this incarnation makes it so much more real…I'm never going to see you again.

It's not like before, when I knew we could still have every adventure in the universe, so long as you still saw me as your Doctor. Not when regeneration was the only price I had to pay to save your life, to give us a second chance. Not when the last thing I saw with the old eyes and the first thing I saw with the new new eyes was you. Nothing could be bad about that.

Now…now I'm going to change. And you'll never know. We'll never get to know each other again, go through all the joys of that together. I'll never get to look at you again with these eyes, in this body that fit so well with yours.

Well, I won't be able to with any other body either. But that body won't mind as much. A different man will saunter away, and I'll be dead…and you'll just be a bittersweet memory, something to look back on fondly rather than be tortured by.

And that scares me too. Because I don't want to lose what I feel. I don't want to close my eyes and not be able to see you, not be able to recognize your scent when I walk past your room, not be able to hear your laugh if I concentrate. Because when I lose those things, then you're really gone.

Please don't leave me, Rose.


	16. After the Sontarans

Rose,

It all started with a call from Martha, bringing me back to Earth.

She's a fine doctor and soldier now, working for UNIT, keeping the world safe when I'm not here. Engaged, too. Seems I'm rather easy to get over.

That was the first stab of pain, right then. I couldn't help wondering about you, having been away for so long, if you…

Of course, you should meet someone…fall in l—

I can't sit here and pretend that you'd be in a totally separate universe and pining for me. It would be selfish to wish that.

But I can't stop the searing pain that drives through my hearts whenever I think of you turning to someone else for comfort, holding someone else's hand, telling someone else…

But then Martha showed us what was happening. This business with the ATMOS system on the cars here. Fifty-two people around the world were killed by it simultaneously…before it even started emitting the gas that would choke the world. Some little clever prat decided to align with a group of Sontarans, who evidently promised a world for him and his hand-picked geniuses for his help in developing these things.

He helped poison his own planet in order to lead some superior race of clever humans on another planet, and in his own arrogance, it never occurred to him that he could simply be a pawn in a much larger game played by a warmongering race.

And the guns. Blimey, guns everywhere, even after I'd said they were of absolutely no use, no, they still have to go against those talking baked potatoes armed to the teeth with useless bits of twisted metal.

And then the nukes…they were going to go nuclear against a ship that wouldn't even be dented by the weapons in some fool, rash human response to charge ahead regardless of what is staring them in the face, specifically me, telling them it wouldn't work.

And Martha. Making a clone of Martha to infiltrate UNIT, give it all her memories as if that alone could keep me from realizing how completely not Martha that thing was from the minute I saw it.

I ignited the atmosphere with an atmospheric converter the clever boy had made…ground to air strike, massive fire across the entire planet…and then nothing but blue skies shining on me.

And then…

I knew they'd revert to the old Sontaran stratagem of old and simply ravage the planet. I reconfigured the atmospheric converter for Sontaran air…and said good bye to Donna and Martha, and clever but completely senseless Luke.

I had to go up to the ship with it. I told them I had to give the Sontarans a choice. Which was true.

But I knew what they'd choose.

Sontarans don't back down. They never retreat.

I knew I would end up igniting the ship around me, and for that singular moment…I didn't care. More than that, it was exactly what I wanted. A death that quick…there's no regenerating after that. I wouldn't have to struggle to breathe anymore. I wouldn't have to watch children play a fatal game of soldiers anymore. I wouldn't have to fight to be heard over foolish rationale. I wouldn't have to feel the emptiness left by a doomed planet and a lost race. I wouldn't be tortured by the memory of a little pink and yellow girl who will never know what she meant to me.

And then that damn clever fool had to go and make something of himself.

Luke rigged the teleportation pod to pull me out and drop himself in at the same moment, and he destroyed the ship, effectively negating his mistake of listening to them in the first place.

So now I'm back in the TARDIS alone. Donna is checking in on her family before we leave. Martha is doing some soldiery wrap up with UNIT. She said she'd stop by later.

So ends another adventure that could have been completely avoided but for arrogance and idiocy and foolishness. And I'm still here, pretending that it doesn't hurt to breathe. Pretending that you're not still in my thoughts all the time. Pretending that every touch doesn't feel like a burn simply because it's not the one I want.

Between you and me…all this pretending is really taking a toll.

I don't want to have to pretend anymore, Rose.


	17. After the Anomaly

Rose,

I can now say with reasonable assurance that the universe has it out for me.

Martha didn't even get a chance to walk out the doors before the TARDIS swept us away, all on her own, to another planet, all because of a generated anomaly that struck a chord with her simply for the fact that it turned out to be…well…

She was my daughter.

This machine these soldiers threw my arm into, it took a tissue sample and extrapolated it, then accelerated progenation and bam, the Doctor has a daughter. A soldier at that. Fully grown, battle ready soldier.

I swear, she even almost looked like you.

Not that we…or that we even could…but still.

And she had two hearts.

It's like the universe looked in my soul and found everything I was missing, that hole that was left, and the pain that had filled it, and offered it up…with a healthy dose of irony.

But she was good. Oh, she was brilliant. Using the gun she'd been born to wield to create distractions instead of kill, flipping through lasers like an Olympian, keeping up with me and all that running.

Always running.

I tried not to think about, I tried not to imagine. Because there's a part of me…that died with the rest of them. And then, when I thought I couldn't lose anymore of myself, I lost another significant portion to another universe. There's not enough of me left to be…to care about a daughter.

But for a moment, just for a moment, I thought I was wrong.

And then she took a bullet for me, and I knew I was wrong.

I still had a piece left to lose.

She died in my arms, and then I swear my brain caught fire. I picked up the gun that had killed her, and held it to her murderer's head. And I wanted to. I wanted to end him for ending her. For tearing another piece from me that I hadn't even known I had left to lose.

But I never would. I NEVER would.

No matter how many times I get torn apart, no matter how many pieces of me are scattered across the universes, I NEVER WOULD.

Let that be his damnation.

Afterwards…Martha told me that after all the things I'd found worth dying for, that she had thought for a moment I'd found something worth living for.

Of course I smiled and told her there was always something worth living for. Gave her a hug, and said goodbye to the good doctor Jones.

If she thought I was lying…well…she would never say.

But tell me this, because for the life of me, I can't think…what is it, right now, that I have worth living for, Rose?


	18. After the Wasp

Rose,

Oh, I wish you'd have been here for this one. Not in the dark, desperate way that I need you here…but just because I wish I could have shared the experience with you.

Dark secrets, scandal, intrigue, murder…and Agatha bleeding Christie.

Oh, and a giant murdering wasp. But you know, goes with the territory.

Oh, Rose, you should have seen her. Completely self-conscious, completely unconvinced of her own brilliance, but, oh, what show. To watch her draw out the secrets, take away the masks, oh it was thing of beauty.

Oh, and Donna! Donna Noble, if I haven't made it absolutely clear, is magnificent. She's brave, and good, and EVER so plucky, though I wouldn't go mentioning that to her again, because she also has a tendency to hit me. But to be completely honest…she's the best friend I could possibly have in this universe. She cares enough to support me when I feel I'm barely able to stand, and brave enough to call me out when I'm mucking things up. She keeps the darkness at bay, and helps me find some joy still in our travels. I don't give her enough credit.

And we were able to solve the mystery of Agatha Christie's disappearance. Apparently, it had to do with being connected to the vespiform, that's the giant wasp, telepathically. When it was dying, it nearly took her with it…but in the end, at the very last moment, it saved someone's life.

And it felt GOOD. Using the little grey cells, working out whodunit. There was…loss. And it was irrational. But at least…at least it was a human kind of irrational. Emotional motivation kicked into ultra-high gear. It made sense…in a not making sense kind of way. Now I'm being irrational.

But you'd understand, wouldn't you? You'd laugh when I got excited, not to shame the dead, but to celebrate the living and the ability to unwind a tangle of illogical circumstances.

I wish you'd been there, because it was a good day. And I want you there on all my good days. Because even a good day…isn't good enough if you're not there.

And it's days like this, good days, when I can breathe, that I can manage to think outside my tiny little circle of hell and wonder what you're doing, who you're with, what you're defending your earth from. I hope you still have good days too. Because if anyone deserves good days, it's you.

You deserve all good days, Rose.


	19. After the Library

Rose,

Anytime someone tells you that there should be silence in a library, don't believe them. Just tell them to shove off and be bothersome somewhere else, because you can't have silence and value life. You can't even have silence and value books, because books are nothing if there's no one around to read them. Oh, librarians might think of themselves as high and mighty purveyors of knowledge that can order you silent, but trust me, they can't. Don't listen to them…unless you need help with the Dewey decimal system.

Do they still use the Dewey decimal system for anything, what with all the computers to search for things anymore?

There's a place I wanted to take you…the Library. Place so big it doesn't need a name…a whole planet filled with every book that's ever been written. Went there with Donna today, after another one of those psychic paper spookie-grams.

And it was silent.

Thousands of people were gone in an instant. Saved by a child in a computer with nowhere else to put them but her own dreams. She saved them all, the only way she could, from the dancing shadows, the piranhas in the dark.

I tried to save Donna. But the Library saved her instead. It gave her a whole life, the life she wanted, the one she so deserves. And then it was ripped away from her when we worked out how to get everyone out of the computer. She knows it's not real…but it hurts her that it wasn't. Because it could have been. It should have been.

The could haves and should haves are the hardest kind of torture. We're both alright…in that special way I have of always being alright.

Spookie-gram was sent by one River Song, professor of archeology, who I've never met, but had a whole diary full of spoilers that detail every meeting she's had with me. She told ME that I was young. Or, at least, younger than she'd ever seen me. And she trusted me…this woman I've never met. She told people she trusted me with her life.

She told me my name.

I don't…tell my name, Rose. To anyone. There's only one circumstance where I can tell someone my name.

Mind you, River's brilliant, in spite of being an archeologist. Sharp and quick and stubborn beyond comprehension, which is apparently exactly my "type," given…well…precedent.

But how could I tell her my name? Honestly, I cannot fathom the events that would have to occur in order for me to give her my name, regardless of when I actually first meet her, at which point I evidently lie to her about when I actually met her, given that I just watched her die. Sort of.

And I feel like, just knowing that I will tell her that thing, and with it give her that promise, I feel like I've somehow been unfaithful to you. Not that there's any sort of…or, rather, we've never…you haven't…

There's no reason for me to feel guilty over something that hasn't even happened yet because, really, it's not as if either of us promised anything and you're in a completely different universe that I have no access to anyway, so there's absolutely nothing that I've done wrong or to hurt you in anyway.

But…how could I do that? How could that future me have given up so completely? Because my name…it doesn't belong to her. Not now. Not yet. My name belongs only with…

Well…

Does it need to be said, Rose?


	20. After the Cruise

Rose,

I take back all of the times I've wished someone else could be me for a little while.

I just figured, after the whole business with the library, Donna could use some pampering, and I could use a break. And so happened Midnight, a whole leisure palace built on a planet orbiting an Xtonic sun, a planet no one had ever walked on the surface of, because they'd be reduced to ash in seconds if they tried.

That fits.

So I went on a pleasure cruise to see a sapphire waterfall. Met some people. Met this brilliant student who wrote a paper on the lost moon of Poosh (where have I heard something about things being lost before?). Met a family that were…frankly, they were dull. Small, tiny minded people. Well, the parents were. Ah, maybe my memories a bit…tainted. Met Sky…she said her significant other had gone a whole galaxy away looking for space. Told her I'd had a friend who'd gone a whole universe away.

Nice to think it was just for space, isn't it? Something we could've worked out in the end.

Then…there was this…thing. Some kind of life form that took over Sky and then singled me out as the clever one because I can't NOT take control of a situation…so she stole my voice. The voice of the one in control.

I couldn't even move while they shouted for me to be thrown out.

Because I was in control…I was the one to lose control.

And the hostess saved the day. She figured out that it was my voice, that she was stealing my being, and got her out…but not without having to fall out with her.

No one even knew her name.

Rose, what am I doing? Who am I saving? I travel around, hopping from place to place, right in the nick of time for catastrophe. And I always lose. No matter how many people I save, I always lose. It seems like most of the time, it's not even me who does the work. I'm just a guy with two hearts, a sonic screwdriver, an encyclopedic knowledge of the universe and a LOT of luck. It seems like it's always someone else who is sacrificing on my behalf. And for what? For small minded people like that couple on board, who's teenage son had more sense of right and wrong in his nail varnish than they had put together? Is that who I'm saving? Is that who I'm sacrificing everyone for? Is that who I'm tearing myself apart for over and over and over again?

It was supposed to be a pleasure cruise, something to lift my spirits. But now I feel worse than ever. Because I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. I don't know what's worth protecting anymore. Who's worth fighting for. The people who would throw out a hero because they're not clever enough to see what's right in front of them? Or the martyrs who will be dead before anyone can know they've made a difference, even know they had a name?

I'm so tired, Rose. I've lost everything I had worth fighting for, time and time again. I'm battling for everyone else in the universe on the basis that everyone deserves SOMEONE to defend them, simply because they exist, while I continue to lose everything, over and over again. I have an emptiness in my head left by an entire race of the damned, and a lost girl in my hearts, in my veins, that I will never see again. I have friends that I've watched fight and fall countless times over. And for what? Some arbitrary sense of justice that needs to be ruled on by me, but still always manages to pass over me and the people I love EVERY TIME.

Where's the justice in that, Rose?


	21. After the Beetle

Rose,

This is bad. This is very, very bad. Donna got a whole parallel world wrapped around her and that damn beetle, and you were there, and there's no way that you could have been unless the walls between the universes are breaking down. You sent me two words, through her, just two words, and then they were everywhere. Bad Wolf made itself known on every piece of written word available on a completely different planet because you sent it.

This is the end of the universe.

What the hell am I supposed to do now, Rose? I'm going back to Earth, this is priority one, because the only way to find out what's going on and stop it is to be there when it starts.

But you know what is really wrong with this whole situation? This whole end of the universe scenario I've found myself in…AGAIN?

It's the fact is that no matter how bad things are, no matter what cause, no matter what the battle is that's coming my way, there's still a big part of me that has no concern for any of this, a part that got kicked into overdrive by one thing, Rose, just one thing.

You were there. And if you could get there…then you're coming here. You're finally coming home.

And that alone should terrify me, should anger me beyond all reason. I should be so angry with you for putting yourself at risk. Putting everything you've worked for since you were taken from me at risk. I should be furious.

But I can't be. Not at you. Never at you.

Instead, in spite of all that might be coming, I am ready to get down on my knees and pray to anything holy left in this universe, in any universe, that I'll find you somewhere in all this mess. That despite any fight that I have coming my way, I can have this.

After years of struggling, trying to find any way to survive my own life without you by my side, enduring the nightmares that plague me every time I try to sleep, and the grief that haunts me every minute that I'm awake…the universe owes me this.

For the first time in a long time, I really feel like fighting. Whatever the battle, whatever the threat, I'm going to fight for the Earth…I'm going to fight for the universe. And I'm going to win.

I'm fighting for you, Rose.


	22. After All

_**So...last one. I'm kind of sad, because I've really enjoyed writing this. I know a lot of you are going to be upset with me, but I AM working on a sort of sequel that involves Rose receiving**__** the lette**__**r**__**s. Thanks so much to the people who have been following and reviewing.**_

_**oOoOo**_

Rose,

That was an adventure, wasn't it? My "children of time," all together…Human-Time Lord metacrisis…destruction of the entire Dalek race. Wonder how long that'll stick.

I had to take Donna home. There's never been a Human-Time Lord metacrisis before…because there can't be. It was a bit like you, when you'd looked into the TARDIS…just a slower burn. Her mind couldn't handle all the knowledge of the Time Lords…she was burning up. I had to wipe all her memories of me to keep her safe.

Donna Noble, most important woman in the whole universe…and she can never know it.

I hope she keeps something of who she's become…the confidence, the strength, the goodness that she's developed in her time in the TARDIS. I hope she's brilliant.

And then there was one. Sarah Jane said I had the biggest family on earth. Trouble is…they've all got someone else.

The curse of the Time Lord isn't just going on alone…it's watching everyone go on without me.

Oh, Rose.

I saw you…I held you. And it was amazing. Even my memory couldn't do you justice…you were so beautiful, and so strong. You moved heaven and earth to come back to me. And I know you would have stayed with me…and it would have been brilliant. I would have rejoiced in every moment that I got to spend with you…because you're my everything.

But that wouldn't have been fair to you. You deserve a man who can walk the slow path with you, grow old with you, take you on the one adventure I never could.

I saw it…the moment it happened. I watched as he finished that sentence for me, and saw the love in your eyes before you kissed him. Barely human, and so, so much braver, because he had nothing left to lose but you.

Rose Tyler…

…I have loved you from the moment I first said "Run."

My song is ending, but his is just beginning. He needs you. He needs you to heal him, the way you did me. He can grow old with you, raise a family with you, get a mortgage with you. And, given the chance, he will make you so very, very happy. I know he will. Because he's me. And I would lay the universe at your feet.

Please, my Rose, don't be stubborn. Please let him love you. And if you love me, you'll let yourself love him. Don't waste any more time on this universe…the one that chewed you up and spit you out. Give in to what you have, because you have so, so much. You have your life there, your family, your work.

And I gave myself to you in the best way I could. The best way that is perfect for you.

I will always love you. Always. No matter how much time passes. No matter how many people I meet. No matter, even, how many faces I go through. You will always be in my heart, my precious Rose.

But I have to let go of the deep-seated hope of seeing you that never completely left me. I have to, somehow, push free of the torturous need to have you here that has kept me struggling to breathe. I have to try.

I have to let you go and be the fantastic, wonderful, brilliant girl that you have always been…that you will continue to be, even if I can't be there with you as I am now.

Be brilliant together. Be the stuff of legend.

And if you want to remember me, you can do one thing. Just one thing.

Have a good life, my beloved Rose.


End file.
